Tuesday, January 28, 2014

D.C. Exile's 2014 State of the Union Drinking Game

He shall from time to time give to Congress such information on the State of the Union that may form the triggers of automatic consumption of alcohol by viewers at home.  U.S. Const., art. II, sec. 3.

- Finish a bottle of bourbon before the President speaks. America needs the consumer spending and you need the alcohol to have strong feelings about the speech.

- Every time the President says the word “inequality” take a swig of Gran Marnier, spit it out, then take two swigs of PBR. You deserve only a taste of the good life. Work harder.

- Every time the President mentions taking action on his own authority, without Congress, chug a pint of an imperial stout.  Query whether the sick feeling in your gut thereafter is a result of the stout or crush of tyranny.

- If the President mentions bipartisanship (the need for it, his desire for it, the boon it represents to this country), throw whatever drink you have in your hand at the screen out of disgust.  Hasn’t this guy learned by now?  Christ.

- Every time the President mentions minimum wage, drink a sip of Bud heavy.  Carefully not to spill, though; you can’t afford to waste a drop.

- If the President mentions manufacturing--remember manufacturing?--take a swig of Miller Lite and lament that it’s no longer an American beer. Maybe lament you consider it a beer too.

- If the President mentions or alludes to Pete Seeger (RIP), drink a bottle of rye.  Then go read this and reflect.  If tears don’t well up in your eyes, you’ve lost the fight.

- Every time the President mentions gun control shotgun a beer. If the President fails to mention gun control at all, take a Coors Light can, shake it and open it in your friends face. Silver bullets don’t kill people, assholes who shake up silver bullets kill people.

- Everytime the President mentions taxes, pour a little of your drink into a communal cup. After the speech that cup will be a foul, room temperature beverage. Don’t worry it’s going to corporate interests and poor people, both of whom will drink anything.

- Everytime the President mentions Iran, you must put down your drink and not touch it for thirty seconds. Why thirty seconds? Because that’s all the time you can hold out you drunken, morally bankrupt American!

- Everytime the President mentions Ukraine, take a shot of vodka looking east and take a breath of freedom looking west.

- If the President mentions GTMO or drone strikes or the war against al-Qaeda and associated forces, down a shot of mint schnapps for the inherent contradiction and its generally unpleasantness.

- Every time the President mention Syria . . . . Ha!  Sucker.  He’s not going to mention Syria. Waterfall for your stupidity

- Every time the President mentions primary or secondary education count backward from 30. This will get more fun with time.

- Every time the President mentions higher education, recite the alphabet backwards. Just like the officer made you do sophomore year.

- Every time you know this drinking game is more important than the speech itself, take a shot of Pimms and yell, “God save the Queen!” ALTERNATE ENDING: Chug a Molson and sing “O’ Canada!” (yelling “Save the Queen!” still applies, though.  Silly Canadians.).

- Every time the President mentions immigration take a shot of tequila.  (Racist.)

- Every time the President mentions healthcare, Obamacare, or the ACA chug Robitussin until you robotrip. What else are you going to do with it now that you have healthcare and can see a doctor?

- Every time the President mentions the NSA throw a shot over your right shoulder. Our government overseers need a drink too.  Make it top shelf liquor, too.  You don’t want a bad report.