He shall from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union
It’s that time of year again, the annual State of the Union address. And, therefore, time for the annual State of the Union Drinking Game. Your rules for 2011 are:
- If you’re at home, sit in an unusual spot--your Congressmen are, you can too--drink half a beer
- During the pre-speech commentary, take one shot of whiskey (if you’re a Democrat) or one shot of tequila (if you’re a Republican) each time “shellacking” is used in the context of the mid-term elections.
- Also during the pre-speech commentary, take a drink from an illicit flask each time the commentators mention “date night” or otherwise make the State of the Union sound like your high school prom.
- Waterfall beginning with the youngest person in the room each time Daniel Hernandez’s 21st birthday is mentioned. (In all seriousness, thank you Mr. Hernandez for saving Rep. Gifford’s life.)
- “The State of Our Union is Strong” = shotgun a beer.
- Every time John Boehner cries, drink one shot of 151. If he’s crying, you should be crying, too. If you’re a woman, hide your tears because only men may cry at the drop of a hat without being too weak to lead. If you’re Nancy Pelosi, leave the room and scream expletives into a pillow.
- Every time Joe Biden looks to be talking out of turn or cussing take a sip of Jameson neat. Slainte, Joe Biden.
- Every time bipartisanship is mentioned, take a shot of tequila with a friend with whom you disagree politically. Optional: Anytime you hear “cross the aisle” conduct a Chinese fire drill.
- Every time someone mentions the State of the Union being a new opportunity for Pres. Obama to connect with the American people, drink a Something on the Side or a Hot Flash Sparkler.
- Every time Main Street is mentioned, take two sips of a Rolling Rock and remember fondly when it was made at Old Latrobe, before it was purchased by Anheuser-Busch InBev.
- Every time Wall Street is mentioned, take two sips of a Budweiser and remember fondly when it was owned by an American company.
- Every time Job Creation is mentioned, drink a Coors Light. It will be ironic, trust us.
- When healthcare is mentioned, if you are a Democrat, sit very quietly in the corner, chug a beer, and pray that the law survives until 2014. If you’re a Republican, chug a beer, tear up your insurance card and run repeatedly into a wall until you are concussed. Then go to an ER and wait.
- While the President describes a partial freeze in government spending mix and chill a vodka martini. Drink the entire thing before he finishes describing the plan. Optional: eat a bag of pork rinds.
- During any description of clean energy, take one shot of Hendricks Gin for each minute the description goes on. It’s cucumber infused and will provide you with a sense of clean energy. That is, until you pass out from it and wake up hungover. Much like what happens when you buy into a clean energy plan.
- Anytime Samuel Alito is shown talking back to the President during his speech, drink two shots of bourbon: one for the death of decorum, one for the realization he will be a justice on the Supreme Court longer than you will be alive.
- If you live to the GOP rebuttal, mix together all the liquor you can find in your home. Chug it. If it tastes as vile as what Paul Ryan is spewing, you’ve mixed it correctly.
- If you live to the Tea Party rebuttal to the rebuttal, turn off the television. Go to bed.